You Can Never Have Too Many?

Friends. These are the people we laugh with until our abs are forming abs, oh come on you know the feeling. These are the people you share the last bite of your favorite food with because you know they would do the same for you. These are the people you tell the most irrelevant parts of your day to knowing they won't listen, but somehow it all makes sense. The most stressful parts of our teenage and adult lives are shared with these people; those one month long crushes, the ferocity that comes alongside schoolwork, rants about that one professor who won't meet your demands and raise up your C+ to an A-, I could go on and on. For me, my friends have always been my biggest supporters in every venture I attempt to accomplish. Although, just like everyone else I have had my fair share of those friends that somehow become the worst part of your day. At first, the friendship between that friend & I is shockingly amazing because it seems like our connection can never be broken. From the inside jokes we form to the Instagram pictures we ask each other to rate it's all truly a dream until it's not anymore. Suddenly this friendship becomes a task that we have to check off of the to-do list rather than enacting in the simple pleasure of it. Unexpectedly my "friend" begins to seem distant and our texts are no longer comprised of innumerable laughing emojis but rather these texts are replaced by dry floods of "What Are You Up To?" and "I'm Busy" statements. This "friend" who represented a half of your personality numerous weeks ago becomes almost intolerable and the question becomes "Why is all of this happening?". You begin to blame yourself and you point out your wrongdoings in place of protecting this composed image of them that you have secured within a triple-locked safe in your brain. After the multitude of weeks spent trying almost too hard to get into contact with this friend, you give up and decide to take the next step. Then comes the dreaded but very necessary the eminently terrifying but HIGHLY self-deserving step of confrontation. I, fortunately have mastered the skill of confronting through these sort of experiences but to the common person this may be the most harmful step; the step that will act as the sharp silver needle to pop that "best friend bubble" of yours. Following this awkward conversation there can be 2 outcomes, maybe more if your circumstance is THAT challenging. Usually, it ends up in you waking up from this dream and realizing it was a nightmare or accepting this matter of fact and moving on whilst continuing to be friends which is the outcome all of us are REALLY hoping for. For those of us who have to wake up and smell the roses, we make ourselves feel better by basing our regenerated independent life on the widely known phrase "I'm living my best life" after this toxic person has exited your personal head space. It is also widely acknowledged that you will more than likely NOT be living your best life as you will spend an explicit amount of time attempting to find someone who is of equal or greater value than your ex-friend (hey let's be honest). Eventually, it will hit you that everyone enters and exits your life for the same reason and that is to enlighten you in the form of a lesson SOMEHOW. This lesson will optimistically guide you in the direction of rationality instead of utter disorientation as you may have been before this individual entered your life. While finding new friends, you go through this process of trial and error and you begin to notice that people hold a certain image and whether everyone likes that image or not is questionable & is never discernible.

I am a people pleaser. I am someone who is talkative and has this dire need to get to know everyone and anyone (a gift & a curse truly). This is a concept I could not admit to myself until recently during the second semester of my freshman year. As early as I would say Elementary School, I would never exclude anyone or stand up for something wrong because I did not want people to dislike me for having an opinion that was diverted from everyone else's. While I realized the wrongfulness in that statement growing up, I failed to evolve from this idea that it was absolutely ESSENTIAL for everyone to like me. My parents are huuuuuge fans of small towns it seems as I've lived in various ones within the entirety of my life. Within the high school I attended, I always made sure I talked to as many people as possible just so I could genuinely feel good about myself knowing people acknowledged my mere existence. This is the definition of toxic I'm well aware but it was an instinct I could not train myself to dispose of. This was until I became a student at the glorious University of Georgia. For those who may not be well versed, UGA is unquestionably an immensely enormous school and the number of students enrolled is a little much compared to the 500 students of my graduating class in high school; or so my 9AM overly crowded bus says, no judgement though. Keeping up with this idea that I was obliged to get to know absolutely every freshman (approx. 5,750 to be exact) was beyond ludicrous and impossible to say the least. The path of learning to stick with a couple of close friends and trust only those few was definitely arduous at first but I just simply had to accept it. Incognizant of these trust issues I had on the grounds of past failed friendships, I was not a fan of having a group. I was not down for the idea that I would only know a specific number of people and everyone else would be a complete stranger to me. At the end of the day, it's nothing more than this complex concept of life, it's hardcore reality really, and is an idea I had to accept. This was all so I could move on and put forth a better version of myself for the people I do know and am proud to know. I guess I'm just dismissive of the fact that I am letting popularity become a large component of who I am as a person? I obviously should not be bashing myself for not knowing the entire university, but somehow I have reasoning for bashing myself for not knowing at least some parts of it?

TAKEAWAY: I could not be any more prideful in the individuals I know now/knew before coming to this GLORIous university. I let myself believe at times even currently that me spending time with the same group of individuals everyday makes me much less valuable than that person sitting at the same round table with 10 people. I am mature enough to realize it is invariably QUALITY>QUANTITY, but this empty feeling that is indescribable is present and very real. I will never put the quantity of the friends I spend time with before the quality of the friendship itself, I know better, YOU know better. While I am slowly getting over this concept and adapting to absolutely adore the individuals I dedicate my time to, it occurred to me that maybe I am not the only one feeling like this. My main purpose for ranting for probably 30 minutes now is this: at the end of the day whether you achieved your goals, whether you became that millionaire with a mansion, or whether you really do drive that expensive car, the friends that you split that last slice of pizza with at 2 AM, the friends that made you fall to the floor laughing so hard you broke a random body part, or even better, those friends who are willing to punch the guy who hurt your feelings even though they knew he wasn't right for you. Those individuals truly and invaluably exemplify that popularity you are searching so actively for. Those 2-4 individuals personify this validation you are craving for. This craving is for people who might not be able to reveal that one dessert you crave at 12 AM or what they know you need after a long day of stressful exams and a weeks worth of studying. Realize your importance to the world and realize the importance of the people in your life. You are insanely loved and you are so SO significant to everyone around you.

Thank you for coming along the ride. CHEERS TO THE VERY FIRST BLOG POST, MANY MORE TO COME!!

I love you all.